One of the most fucking annoying people tell survivors of toxic, abusive and narcissistic relationships is:
“Just get over it” … as if what you endured was only a bad breakup. 😳
Like you can wake up one morning, decide you’re done thinking about them, and magically move on.
But when you’ve spent months or years in a relationship involving manipulation, coercive control, gaslighting, trauma bonding and emotional abuse, they didn’t just hurt your feelings.
They totally changed the way your brain learned to survive. 😪
And that’s why even after you’ve left, you might still find yourself;
🧐 Second-guessing every decision
🗣️ Over-explaining yourself
😪 Apologising constantly
🤯 Feeling anxious when someone doesn’t text back
😖 Struggling to trust yourself
🥚 Walking on eggshells around perfectly healthy people
✋🏼 Feeling guilty for having boundaries
🥺 Missing someone who treated you like shit on the bottom of their shoe.
You aren’t losing your marbles; your nervous system adapted to survive an unsafe environment, so your response is actually completely sane in a set of fucked up circumstances.
YOUR BRAIN LEARNED DANGER IS NORMAL
When you’re in a healthy relationship, your brain learns:
“I’m safe.”
When you’re in an unhealthy relationship, your brain learns:
“Stay alert.” 🚨
It learns to scan for danger.
To analyse every text message, monitor tone of voice or how they walk or open the door. 🚪
To predict mood swings, avoid conflict, keep the peace and sacrifice your own needs.
Over time, this becomes automatic: you stop responding to life and start just about surviving it.
Until one day you wake up and realise you’ve become a shell of your former self. 🐚
I know because I’ve been there.
Between the ages of 17 and 38 I spent years in relationships involving cheating, manipulation, coercive control, emotional abuse and financial abuse.
I became someone I didn’t even recognise anymore, someone I didn’t like very much. 😔
My ex-neighbour used to think I was just some miserable bitch; later, when I kicked my ex out, we became best mates because I was my true authentic self again.
GASLIGHTING MAKES YOU STOP TRUSTING YOURSELF
One of the most damaging parts of emotional abuse is gaslighting. 💨 💡
You’re told:
“That never happened.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“You’re crazy.”
Eventually you stop trusting your own memories, instincts and judgement.
You know the truth.
You can see evidence of the truth. 👀
And yet somehow you still believe their version of reality.
You’ve been psychologically conditioned into believing a version of reality that isn’t actually real.
TRAUMA BONDS FEEL LIKE LOVE ❤️🩹
This is where people get confused.
They think:
“If they were so bad, why do I miss them?”
Because trauma bonds aren’t logical, they’re chemical.
One minute you’re being criticised, manipulated or ignored.
The next minute they’re apologising, love bombing you and promising they’ll change.
Your brain becomes addicted to the relief and the breadcrumbing.
Not the person: the relief. 😮💨
It’s the emotional equivalent of being repeatedly pushed underwater and then feeling grateful when someone finally lets you breathe again.
That’s not true, healthy love.
YOU START ACCEPTING THINGS YOU’D HAVE NEVER ACCEPTED BEFORE
One of the saddest things about coercive control is that it happens gradually, like a frog slowly boiling to death in boiling water. 🐸
Nobody signs up for abuse.
If they treated you like shit on the first date you’d run for the hills. 🏔️ 🏃♀️
Instead, it happens slowly.
Bit by bit.
Boundary by boundary.
Red flag by red flag. 🚩
Until one day you find yourself tolerating behaviour that would’ve horrified the old version of you (and it will make your future self cringe when you’re free from it). 😬
You let the unacceptable become acceptable.
And then you start blaming yourself for it.
HOW DO YOU REVERSE THE DAMAGE?
You don’t heal by pretending it didn’t happen. 🫣
You heal by rebuilding the relationship that was damaged the most – the relationship with yourself.
You learn to:
😌 Trust your instincts again
🛑 Set boundaries without guilt
✋🏼 Stop people pleasing
🚩 Listen to red flags
🗣️ Speak your truth
☺️ Regulate your nervous system
😍 Learn what healthy love actually looks like
🥰 Love yourself enough to stop abandoning yourself
Here’s what I realised when I finally broke my own conditioning:
The problem was never that I attracted unhealthy people.
The problem was that I didn’t love myself enough to walk away sooner, to trust my instincts, to notice the red flags and get the fuck out of dodge. 🏃♀️ 🚩
Once I learned how to love, trust, honour and respect myself, everything changed; my friendships, opportunities, my business, my boundaries, and my relationships.
Today I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever experienced with my Hot Fiancé. 😍🥰💞
Not because I found a magical unicorn. 🦄
Because I stopped accepting behaviour that wasn’t aligned with my worth.
YOUR NEXT STEP
If you’re reading this and wondering whether your relationship is actually unhealthy…
Trust that feeling.
Your intuition is usually whispering long before your life starts screaming. 😱
I’ve created a free guide:
10 Signs Your Relationship Is ACTUALLY Toxic
FREE Download here!
It’ll help you spot red flags, manipulation tactics, trauma bonding patterns and unhealthy relationship dynamics that many people miss. 🚩
Check the link in my bio to download your freebie.
And if you’re ready to stop repeating the same relationship patterns and finally learn how to love yourself enough to never allow anyone to treat you like shit again, have a look at my online coaching program for women, Project Self Worth. 💞
Healing isn’t about getting your ex back.
It’s about getting YOU back.
And trust me…
She’s worth fighting for.
If this resonates and you want to know more about how coaching and/or energy work can help you, drop me a message and let’s chat.
Much love,
