I was listening to an awesome Lewis Howes podcast recently where the interviewee was describing the reactions of narcissists to certain things.
One of the things she said was “never tell a narcissist your good news first”.
Tell your cheerleaders first – the people in your life who love and support you unconditionally so you can continue to feel good and celebrate for a while.
The reason for this is that they’ll turn any bit of good news for you into a woe-is-me story for them.
This brought back memories of my own past relationships.
One of many examples I can share is my journey towards Australian citizenship.
It took about eight years for me to get there, with two working holiday visas and permanent residency before I finally got my passport.
It was a lot of work, but so worth it.
At each milestone of the journey and with each celebration I had, I shared it with him first (because silly me, I really wanted my partner to celebrate my success with me!)
Every time was a massive let down, with him going into sulk mode, chucking a sad and turning my win into him being a victim of life.
He’d say things like “everything always works out for you, nothing ever works out for me.
So I’d end up consoling him and it would become all about him, with me feeling deflated every time (or later on with me getting pissed off and walking away).
If I’d first shared my news with my supporters then by the time I shared it with him his negativity likely wouldn’t have affected me as much.
The same goes for sharing negative news.
Negative news will always be perceived as an inconvenience to a narcissist, with them bringing up how they think it will affect them.
When I crashed my motorbike, writing off the bike and nearly myself in the process, I was out cold for a while.
I remember waking up in the ambulance and my immediate thought was wanting my partner to be close by.
His immediate thought (which he didn’t mind sharing with me in an aggressive way) was that if I’d killed myself, “what would I say to your dad and what would he think of me”.
He also saw it as a win that my bike was a write off as it meant I could get a brand new one.
He didn’t appear overly concerned about how I was feeling.
During the interview they shared the DEEP acronym for how to engage with a narcissistic:
Don’t go deep
Don’t get into the details with narcissists.
Don’t feel the need to explain yourself or keep engaging in the conversation, and don’t personalise their feedback because it really isn’t personal to you.
I spent a long time in relationships with guys who didn’t help me celebrate my awesomeness.
I can tell you from the flip side, that when you’re with someone who can truly see your worth, magic is possible.
Stop letting the fuckers drag you down.
You can check out the podcast interview here.
If you want a guide on your journey of breaking free from a narcissist, drop me a message and let’s chat about how coaching and/or energy work can help.
Catcha on the flip side,
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