I spent a good chunk of my life between my mid twenties to my late thirties in unhealthy codependent relationships.
A codependent relationship is a love addiction where we seek to prove our worth by helping people with broken wings💔
We’re drawn to addicts and under-functioners who’ll depend on us emotionally, financially or in some other way.
We also have a tendency to attract very narcissistic and abusive people who have a lot of shit to heal (but don’t think they do and probably never will).
We turn other people’s pain into our problem, and if we can’t fix them then we feel worthless 😞
We enable their bad behaviour so there’s no need for them to change it.
This creates relationships where there’s drama, chaos, turmoil and instability 🤯
If we’re treated badly we assume it’s our fault and we work even harder to win their approval.
We don’t trust ourselves or our instincts when we do this and give our power away
It’s the ultimate form of self-abandonment, self-rejection and lack of self-love.
It sets us up to have tired hearts, burned out bodies and empty cups as we seek validation from outside of us from people who’ll never really give it to us 💔
Codependent relationships are generally very dysfunctional, toxic and self-destructive; they stem from a true desire to feel wanted, needed and validated, but often it leads to the opposite.
We feel resentful and angry, burned out and bitter 🤬
We feel alone and unsupported.
We’re held in a pattern of trying to “fix” people to try and validate our place in the world and sense of self-worth; ultimately while we are betraying ourselves.
Imagine taking all the energy you’ve poured into helping other people, and instead focusing that energy on healing yourself and becoming the best version of you possible 🤩
What would that look like?
When I started to look into my own codependency issues, I was surprised by what I found.
I remember the “a-ha!” moment I had back in 2011 🤔
It was my first year living in Australia and I was restricted work wise due to the visa I was on; I was tree planting to get my seasonal regional work ticked off so I could get my next visa.
I’d also recently come out of a toxic relationship marred by drama (which seemed to be a pattern for me) 😖
So there I am, in a job where I’m not helping anyone, and not in a relationship where I’m helping anyone, in a new country with less friends to help.
I went really quickly back into depression, which I first went into a few months beforehand after coming out of a seriously toxic and codependent relationship.
I had this lightbulb moment watering plants one day where I realised ALL of my self worth came from helping others; AND I realised how fucked up that was 🥺
On reflection I still didn’t do too much that focused on increasing self-worth/self-love until years later, instead I focused on self-care (which is still a part of self-worth).
Fast forward to 2017 when I really threw myself into Project Self-Worth; that’s when I really started making the discoveries around the shit I needed to clear.
The biggest way I’ve found to heal codependency is to love myself more, as well as no longer taking responsibility for other people’s behaviours.
We need to set better boundaries for ourselves too, and practice self-care.
Spend time tuning into your feelings through meditation, journaling, talking with positive people, going for counselling, spending time in nature.
A great question to constantly ask yourself is “am I doing this from a place of self-love, or low self-worth? Am I seeking approval and validation?”
Stop taking how others behave personally and know everyone acts from a place of their own pain, which usually has nothing to do with you.
Recognise that your own needs and boundaries deserve to be met, you are worthy.
Validate your own feelings, trust your instincts and ask for help when you need it.
Only give when it’s not to your detriment, and when your cup is full. Stop giving from an empty cup.
You don’t need to do it alone.
If you want access to my YouTube playlist Project Self-Worth which has loads of videos including guided meditations, inspirational videos, yoga and LOADS of EFT focused on increasing self-worth, comment SELF LOVE and I’ll drop you a message.
Give it a nudge and let me know what you think 🙂
To break the cycle of codependency we have to really get to know ourselves; the limiting beliefs holding us back, the past baggage we need to clear, and what WE want for our lives (not what others want for us).
We have to start feeling the hurt underneath our coping mechanism of diving into helping others, release the shame, and have compassion and empathy for ourselves 💞💛💞
This allows us to build a new, upgraded version of ourselves, filled with self-love and boundaries with others that allow us to live our best life.
Remember; true, authentic love will never cost you your boundaries or self respect.
I’m happy to say that after many years of doing the work on myself, I attracted my amazing fiancé into my life ❤️ 💍
He’s taught me what real, honest, healthy love really looks like.
I had to do even more work on myself when we got together to really let his love in, to get to a place where I felt I was worthy of that.
This kind of healthy, drama free love is the best I’ve ever felt and it comes unconditionally, with no strings attached.
No more having to prove my worth or seek validation.
Much love, because you’re worth it 🙂
As always, if you want a guide on your journey, drop me a message and let’s chat about how coaching and/or energy work can help.
And come over and join my free group here.
Catcha on the flip side,
“I just wanted to reach out and say thank you so very much for the sessions we had it forced me to look deeper and allow myself to be vulnerable.
To see where my life has come is incredible where I was once in awe of you and Cam I now have that I’ve met my perfect person and everything has fallen into place.” ~ Gaynor, Perth
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