Recently I shared a blog called “Are You The Red Flag?” and promised to follow up with some more examples of what some more red flags can look like from those clients who’ve been wounded in past relationships and are now bringing their baggage into the next one.
So here we are!
REAL EXAMPLES (FROM MY CLIENTS) 🚩
I’m not talking about the obvious red flags like cheating or abuse…
I’m talking about the sneaky ones that can come across like “love”, “loyalty” or “just how I am”.
- “I JUST NEED REASSURANCE… ALL THE TIME”
You’re texting constantly, over-analysing everything, needing them to prove they’re not leaving every five minutes.
This screams anxious attachment.
It’s not your fault it developed…but it is your responsibility to heal it.
What feels like love to you can feel like pressure and suffocation to someone else and may cause them to run the fuck away, digging you further into your anxious attachment style in the next relationship.
- TESTING THEM INSTEAD OF TRUSTING THEM
You pull away to see if they come running after you. You act cold to see if they care. You create drama to feel something more exciting.
Why?
Because calm doesn’t feel right to you, it’s uncharted waters when your nervous system is addicted to chaos.
- OVER-GIVING, THEN RESENTING THEM FOR IT
You do everything for them, try to rescue them and fix their life and carry the emotional load for both of you, then resent them for not appreciating you more.
This is classic codependency in action.
You’re not just loving them, you’re trying to earn your worth through them.
And then getting pissed off when you don’t feel appreciated.
- IGNORING RED FLAGS… THEN PLAYING THE VICTIM
You saw it, you felt it; your gut was screaming at you.
And you still stuck around.
There’s zero blame here if your relationship is abusive as that’s a whole different dynamic and a different convo altogether.
But in some cases you’re not confused, you’re just hoping reality will change if you love them harder.
It won’t.
- CALLING YOUR BEHAVIOUR “CARING” WHEN ACTUALLY IT’S CONTROLLING
You’re checking their phone, questioning their every move and needing to know where they are 24/7, telling yourself it’s just because you care a lot.
No babe… you’re trying to control the outcome so you don’t get hurt.
But ironically it’s that behaviour that can create the very distance you’re terrified of.
- AVOIDING HARD CONVERSATIONS… THEN LOSING YOUR SHIT
You say things like “it’s fine”, you bottle up your thoughts and feelings just to try and keep the peace; until one day, you lose your fucking shit over something that seems totally insignificant.
Sound familiar?
That’s all the shit you’ve filed away in a cabinet in your brain thinking you were “just letting things go”, when really, you’re remembering it all and resentment builds until one day you explode and look like a psycho losing your mind over the dishes not being done.
And by then, you’re the one that looks like the problem… even though the issue’s been building for weeks, months or even years.
WHY THIS HAPPENS
Most of this comes from childhood programming, attachment wounds, fear of abandonment or rejection, low self-worth and never feeling good enough.
We’re literally wired to repeat what feels familiar, even if that “familiar” is chaotic, unstable and unhealthy.
It’s not like you just woke up one day and chose to be an emotionally dysfunctional wreck.
But at some point, when you start gaining awareness that you have patterns that need to be healed, and behaviours that need to be adapted – and it’s your job to choose to do something different if you want a better, healthier and happier life living as your true, authentic self.
Are you ready?
THE SHIFT THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING
The goal isn’t to shame yourself; the goal is to get honest enough to ask:
“If I truly loved, honoured, trusted and respected myself… how would I be showing up differently?”
Because the harsh reality is that you can leave a toxic relationship... but if you don’t change why you attracted them in the first place you’ll just recreate the same relationship next time.
Different face. Same bullshit.
REAL GROWTH LOOKS LIKE THIS
✔️ Taking accountability for your triggers instead of externalising blame
✔️ Communicating instead of testing
✔️ Setting boundaries instead of overgiving and feeling resentful about it
✔️ Walking away instead of over-investing
And most importantly, choosing self-respect over temporary emotional comfort.
THE CONFRONTING BIT
You don’t attract what you say/think you want; you attract what you tolerate and what you subconsciously believe you deserve.
That’s why this work is so fucking important; so you can break the cycle.
Because once you actually, truly start loving, trusting, respecting and honouring yourself as a priority over anyone else. your standards and behaviour shifts mahoosively and suddenly, the potential people out there you’d think about dating looks totally different from anyone you’d consider before you worked on your shit.
If this hit a little too close to home (welcome to the club 😅), start here:
📋 Grab my free“10 Signs Your Relationship is ACTUALLY Toxic” checklist – it’ll help you figure out what’s actually going on vs what you’re telling yourself;
💻 Or watch my free Break The Cycle webinar replay – this is exactly the kind of pattern we break inside my online coaching program for women, Project Self Worth.
The goal is to become the version of you who would never tolerate (or create) this dynamic EVER again.
You’ve got this, and I’ve got your back.
Catcha on the flip side,
