There are some stories that pop up in the media that really make you stop what you’re doing and read in horror… and they make your stomach drop. 🫣
The recent exposure of an online community where men were allegedly sharing advice on how to drug and sexually assault their partners (and how to get away with it) is defo one of those reads.
When I was growing up we were always warned about “stranger danger”.
But during my career in working in the field of domestic violence and sexual abuse, I’ve learned the danger is much more frequently at home with those you’re supposed to trust. 🥺
Danger is supposed to look obvious – but it isn’t always.
Over the years, I’ve had a couple of friends find out later on down the track that their partner had been drugging them and sexually assaulting them while they were unconscious – and filming it.
Abuse isn’t always loud, violent or visible.
Often it’s calculated, subtle and sometimes it’s happening while you’re asleep. In your own home… with someone you love and trust.
That’s what makes it so fucking insidious and creepy.
Sexual abuse within relationships is one of the most underreported, misunderstood and minimised forms of control.
BUT WOULDN’T SHE KNOW?
Coercive control builds slowly, like the “boiling frog” dynamic – where things escalate so gradually you don’t realise how bad it is until you’re deep in the fuckery. 🥵 🐸
You might already feel confused, foggy, doubting yourself and like something is “off” but you can’t prove it.
For those who are in disbelief that people like this exist out there, my couple of friends who experienced this are two of many. 🤯
Many women don’t realise this is happening to them until after the fact – if at all.
When I worked in the criminal justice system I encountered cases where women only found out they’d been sexaully assaulted when a guy had been caught and they had to trace the victims through the videos they’d created while assaulting them. 🎥
SIGNS SOMETHING ISN’T RIGHT
Some red flags worth taking seriously:
🚩 You wake up feeling unusually groggy, disoriented, or “not yourself”
🚩 Gaps in memory from the night before
🚩 Unexplained physical symptoms (pain, bruising, soreness)
🚩 Your partner dismisses concerns or gets defensive when you question things
🚩 You feel unsafe… but can’t explain why
SAFETY FIRST – WHAT YOU CAN DO
If you even have the slightest inkling this could be happening to you, your job isn’t to “prove” it – it’s to protect yourself.
Some immediate safety steps you can take straight away can be to talk to someone you trust, avoid confronting the person alone if you feel unsafe, keep a record of anything unusual (dates, symptoms, experiences) and seek medical support if you suspect you’ve been drugged or assaulted.
If you ever feel unsafe in your relationship (even if you can’t explain why), that matters – A LOT.
And you need to take your feelings seriously.
Many abusive people rely on the fact that you won’t fully trust yourself – and chances are, you’ve been gaslit enough that you’re probably gaslighting yourself now too.
The longer you ignore how you feel, the worse it may become.
If this blog has hit a nerve, don’t sit on it.
Download my “10 Signs Your Relationship is ACTUALLY Toxic” checklist 📋
Or watch the Break The Cycle webinar replay – you can find the links in my bio.
Big love,
