Last week I received a message from a friend after I posted my blog “5 signs you’re dating a toxic person.”
My friend said this blog came at the perfect time as she was getting ready to leave her toxic partner.
Toxic people show traits of narcissism and borderline personality disorder among other things; they have attachment issues from childhood which tends to create a toxic playground and codependency in their adult relationships.
We’ve kept in touch the last few days while she goes through the emotions of ending it and his roller coaster reactions.
I’ve been there in the past too with a couple of toxic relationships and I thought it would be a good time to share what to expect when you leave a toxic person after being in a codependent relationship with them.
HOW YOU’LL PROBABLY FEEL
You’ll have likely had a lot of moments through your relationship where you thought about leaving.
But these kind of relationships generally involve lots of arguments, deceit, manipulation and toxic chemistry, which wears down your self esteem and self worth as well as isolates you from important people in your life, making it harder to leave.
There will be a “straw that broke the camels back moment” where a light switch goes on in your head and you have the strength to say “not this, not anymore.”
Sometimes it takes a lot of self development work and self love to have the courage to leave, because you finally remember who you really are and that you’re worth a lot more than how you’re being treated.
There will be a lot of moments where you’ll feel confused, resentful, angry, hurt, bitter, lost and upset, as well as sporadically hopeful that maybe things can still work out with them and they’ll suddenly become the person you fell in love with.
You’ll want to trust them and what they say when they’re being nice to you, but it confuses you because you know you can’t trust them and it won’t be long before they’ll become the nastier version of themselves.
They’ll tell you you’re giving up on them, that you’re a bad person, that you must have met someone else, that you’ll never survive without them, that you’ll never have anyone better than them because you’re damaged goods and a horrible person.
You’ll feel crazy and cold-hearted, because that’s how they’ll make you feel.
You’ll be scared about the unknown, especially if you’re financially tied to them or have other commitments, like children.
You will likely waver many times on your decision.
Just ask yourself “what would my best self do?”
Your best self would finally pay attention to all the signs and red flags that have been there all along.
Your best self would love you enough to know there’s no other choice but to leave.
You KNOW in your heart and gut it’s the right move.
When you’re finally free, you’ll feel like you should have left a long time ago.
You’ll remember who you really are, and finally live life on your terms.
WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THEM
You’ll see all the stages of grief rolling out in one hour sometimes; denial, anger, bartering, isolation, depression, acceptance.
Expect to be mindfucked in a big way – toxic people are excellent at playing the victim, manipulating you, being deceitful and making you feel like everything is your fault.
In a codependent relationship this will make you want to instantly dive in and rescue them, fix the situation and make it all better because you feel like a terrible person.
They will bring up everything you ever did wrong in their eyes.
They’ll talk about everything good they’ve ever done to support you.
They’ll talk about what a mean, nasty person you are, and you’ll believe it.
They’ll be Jekyll and Hyde – horrible as fuck one minute, then flipping to present the version of themselves that you fell in love with, full of promises about going for counselling to heal their shit, quitting whatever their addictions are etc.
You’ll also see their hurt inner child pop up which will make you want to stay and help them feel better.
Don’t expect to see them fighting much for your relationship, although that’s probably what you’d like to see.
DON’T FALL FOR ANY OF IT!
Stay strong; there’s a reason why you’ve known for a while you need to leave.
And trust me, when you think you’re staying because you love them, you’ll probably realise when it’s all over that you haven’t loved them for a long time.
What’s really important during this time is to be very selective with who you share information with; lean only on people you can trust who’ll support your decision.
Toxic people usually have toxic families and it’s not fair to lean on them, it will likely just make it harder for everyone.
Self care and self love are SO important as it helps you to drive forward and realise your worth.
You’ll have so many questions and worries about various issues; kids, money, accommodation, friends, family etc – try not to focus on the practicalities right now.
Just know that when you make the right decision for yourself, everything else seems to work out.
You’ll be surprised how many people come out of the woodwork to help you; people who knew you weren’t right for each other and are there for you when it ends.
Be strong. And when you can’t be strong, when you’re a crying heap on the floor, reach out to someone.
I’ve been there, my friends have scraped me up off the floor and loved me through it.
I’m here for you. You’ve got this.
Message me to chat.
Catcha on the flip side,
P.s. you’ll also want to check out my online coaching program, From Surviving to Thriving.
It’s full of all my best tools to help you live your best life as your authentic self.