I recently posted this reel on my Coach Carly page and Sue commented “more about the fawning experiences please, so here we go!
In the past, when people used to talk about living in survival mode, they would refer to “fight, flight and freeze” modes.
Fight, flight and freeze refers to well-known stress responses that occur when the body senses it’s in danger, prompting a release of hormones to either help you fight or run away to essentially save your life, or to be still and hide. 😳
The freeze response causes you to feel stuck in place, which happens when you don’t think you can fight or run away.
This response often comes with a sense of dread, pale skin, feeling stiff/heavy/numb/cold with a loud, pounding heart and a decreasing heart rate.
“Fawn” is the fourth state that was identified later on, and it’s sooooo relevant to toxic relationships.
This stage is often used when the person has given up on trying to fight, run away or be still.
This response is extremely common in those who’ve grown up in unhealthy and abusive families or situations, and leads the person to be overly agreeable and overly helpful.
Their primary concern is managing everyone else’s emotions and making sure everyone else is ok, generally to their own detriment. 😔
Think people-pleasing, having no boundaries and always putting yourself last.
You learned early on that your safety depends on keeping others calm.
So you become the peacemaker, the helper, the one who keeps everything “okay.”
You apologise when you’ve done nothing wrong.
You take responsibility for everyone’s moods.
You avoid conflict like the plague.
You morph into whoever you need to be to keep the peace. ✌️
This was me for so much of my life, and I know so many amazing women in my life who’ve been the same.
This is basically a way we cover up distress we feel internally from past trauma and abuse – it’s an emotional reaction where you become highly agreeable to the person abusing you as a way of keeping the peace and it can cause a lot of confusion and guilt.
Your instincts drive you to soothe your abuser even when you’re being treated poorly and you’ll even be overly dependent on them for their opinion and external validation.
Being helpful and agreeable is your way of surviving, so please, instead of feeling bad about yourself – give yourself grace.
THE COST OF FAWNING
Fawning keeps you safe… temporarily.
But it also keeps you small.
It silences your truth.
It burns you out. 🥺
And it attracts people who take advantage of your kindness – leaving you very vulnerable to narcissists and codependent relationships.
You lose sight of your needs, your voice, your self-worth.
And the longer you stay there, the harder it becomes to even recognise what you want – because your entire identity has been built around meeting everyone else’s needs first.
You become a shell of your former self. 🐚
HOW TO STOP FAWNING
- Notice when you’re fawning
Pay attention to moments when you say “yes” but mean “no,” or when you shrink yourself to avoid conflict. Awareness is the first step to change. - Start small with boundaries
Boundaries don’t make you “mean.” They make you safe. Start with small “no’s” and build from there. - Feel the guilt – and do it anyway
That knot in your stomach when you disappoint someone? That’s your nervous system unlearning people-pleasing. Ride it out. It gets easier. - Reconnect with your own needs
Ask yourself daily: “What do I need right now?” It’s crazy how often we forget to even ask. - Heal the root, not just the behaviour
Fawning is a trauma response – not a personality trait. Healing means addressing the core wounds underneath (abandonment, rejection, unworthiness).
That’s exactly what I help women do – to stop abandoning themselves, break free from trauma-driven relationships, and finally feel safe in their own skin again. ☺️
If you’re tired of walking on eggshells, over-giving, and never feeling “enough,” it’s time to kick off your healing journey. ❤️🩹
You’ve spent long enough making everyone else comfortable, babe.
Now it’s your turn. 💖
DM/comment READY and let’s chat.
Much love,
