I was listening to a podcast about domestic abuse yesterday.
The woman being interviewed works in the field with survivors + training professionals.
She was sharing her experience of her own abusive relationship + the shame she felt being in one while also working in the field, as well as how it changed her work.
It brought up so many parallels for me that I wanted to share.
I never share this stuff from a “poor me” place ~ I share it because I know there’s so many others going through it too.
At the time you’re going through it you feel so alone it’s hard to read out.
If that’s you right now, reading this, I want you to know you can reach out to me.
I went to my first domestic abuse training in 2007/8 + as they were showing us the power + control wheel I was utterly shocked to sit there thinking “shit, that’s MY relationship.”
I’ve never been physically assaulted, but physical violence is only one tiny piece of the power + control wheel.
Check it out here.
When I look back on the three significant relationships I had before I met Cam, I experienced mental, emotional + financial abuse, plenty of gaslighting + coercive control.
OWNING MY SHAME
😞 I felt shame that moment I realised that I was in an abusive relationship
😞 I felt shame when my friends started to notice I wasn’t being my true self
😞 I felt shame when my friends looked at me in a way that said “why the fuck are you with him”
😞 I felt shame when they called him crazy + distanced themselves from me because of him
😞 I felt shame every time he cheated on me + I put it down to his mental illness
😞 I felt shame when I had to leave a family holiday early + alone to be a carer for him, + at the look my mum gave me when I did that
😞 I felt shame when I realised I’d been gaslighted so hard I didn’t know or trust myself anymore
😞 I felt shame when he wanted to have sex with me + I said no, but it happened anyway. He cried afterwards, + I never told anyone.
😞 I felt shame every time he told me I was fucking up the cooking, hanging the washing out wrong, putting the bins out wrong, that maybe I had bipolar (I don’t), that I spend my work helping other people but never helped him
😞 I felt shame when I ended up in depression + not wanting to wake up anymore
😞 I felt shame when I realised I was on the verge of bankruptcy because I’d let him financially abuse me for so long while he spent his money on booze + boys toys
😞 I felt shame when after I broke up with him my neighbour told me he thought about calling child protection several times
😞 I felt shame when after one particularly scary night I couldn’t find my dog, only to find her cowering + shaking in the wardrobe 🥺😢😭
😞 I felt shame when I realised I was 38 + had only ever really been in abusive relationships for over 20 years despite the work I do professionally
😞 I felt shame that I’m an educated, smart woman who allowed herself to be sucked in to falling in love with abusers because of a lack of self worth within myself
😞 I felt shame that I work in the field of domestic abuse + yet kept ending up there myself
😞 I felt shame that even though I’d done so much work on myself I still allowed myself to be treated like that
❤️ TRANSFORMING MY SHAME INTO SELF LOVE ❤️
I’ve been doing personal development + healing work on myself since my early 20’s but relationships was where I was still stuck until I hit 38. 😖
I was so scared at that point that I’d just keep attracting people who treated me like shit. 😳
At around age 35 I’d thrown myself into what I called Project Self Worth + this built up my self esteem enough to leave my partner at the time.
I then had to do a lot of forgiveness work, particularly towards myself. ❤️🩹
I kept chipping away at the layers of shame that had built up around me ~ I was a shell of who I was.
It took a few years + another false start in a relationship before I met Cam 🫶🏻
Cam was the complete opposite of anyone I’d ever been with.
He was so real, so stable, so loving in every way that I didn’t trust it.
I couldn’t trust at the time that anyone like him really existed. 🤔
I pushed him away for a while as my head was all over the show + I hadn’t healed my shit yet.
It took a long time for me to truly let him in, all along the way asserting my boundaries + learning who I was at that age, making sure I was teaching him how I wanted to be treated (not that he at all needed to be taught) 😂
The poor guy defo had to work for it 😂
Once I’d finally let him in, I let myself be wowed 🥰
He really IS real.
And I know I never would have attracted him into my life if I hadn’t done all that work on myself.
I needed to really love + respect myself before anyone else could love + respect me in the way I deserve. 💞
If any of this hits home for you + you want to break free from abusive relationships too, reach out.
It’s not your fault, + you’re not alone.
If you want my forgiveness freebies comment FORGIVE 👇🏼
If you want free access to my Project Self Worth playlist comment LOVE 👇🏼
If you want a guide on your journey, drop me a message and let’s chat about how coaching and/or energy work can help.
And come over and join my free group here.
Catcha on the flip side, where we have loving relationships 💞🫶🏻💞
