Sometimes I feel an almost overwhelming sadness about how much time I’ve wasted in relationships with men who didn’t deserve my love and time.
And then I reflect on all the lessons I’ve learned and realise they all got me to where I am today.
As I fast approach 40, I’m in an amazing place in my life where for maybe the first time ever there is a sense of balance and happiness in every single area of my life.
And I realise how I’ve spent over 20 years in relationships with guys who emotionally, mentally and financially abused me.
I don’t blame them – I take full responsibility for having attracted them into my life (and letting them stay there so long).
I’ve seen how they’ve done it to others after I left them too.
When you’re in it, and you’re someone who believes in love and kindness, it’s so much harder to get out than others think.
On average, the abused try to leave abusive relationships 7 or more times before they finally break free.
The gas-lighting, manipulation, power and coercive control overpowers your sense of self worth and self esteem to the point where it feels safer to stay than leave.
I’ve spent a really long time learning how to love myself more, so I don’t keep attracting users and abusers into my life.
Learning how to set boundaries, speak up, walk away from things that don’t feel good, listen to the red flags instead of ignore them.
It can be easy to get down on myself for how much I haven’t done those things, for how much I allowed myself to be disrespected.
For how much I let myself down.
Anyone in a helper/coach/teacher role who tells you they have all their shit together is probably not being authentic.
There will always be stuff to work on, stuff that you’re still triggered by.
But you can get to a sense of peace in all areas.
And that’s where I feel like I am now.
And I’m doing it with amazing people in my life, in a relationship where there is total respect, love and trust.
Took a while to get there, but it was worth it 🙂
That shit will eat you up for the rest of your life.
Do no harm, but take no shit.
That’s it for my weekly musings.
Catcha on the more peaceful flip side,