One of the hardest things about being in a relationship with a covert abuser is the fact that nobody witnesses the abuse. 🥺
Actually, most people see the complete opposite – the charming person, the funny side of them, the helpful side of them, the “empathic” side of them.
They might see your partner as the kind of person who’d give you the shirt off their back. 👕
The kind of person everyone loves – while behind closed doors, you’re falling apart and becoming a shell of yourself, thinking you’re crazy and that nobody would believe you if you told them what was really going on.
That’s what makes this shit so confusing – because if everyone else thinks they’re amazing, maybe it’s you that’s the problem? 🤯
Many victims actually start believing this, which is totally reinforced by their abuser – and it’s why covert abuse is so effective.
I’ve been asked so many times why I stayed so long in abusive relationships.
You just end up a version of yourself you don’t recognise, with fuck all self-esteem and no strength to get out of the situation you’re in – helplessness, apathy…. and it’s anger you really need – the “fuck this, I’m done” kind of anger, to be able to walk away. 🏃♀️
The public version of them buys people drinks, remembers birthdays, helps neighbours, makes everyone laugh.
THE PUBLIC VS THE PRIVATE VERSION
The private version criticises you, manipulates you, gaslights you and makes you feel like nothing you ever do is good enough. 😔
They’ll charm the pants off everyone at that BBQ on the weekend, then give you the silent treatment for three days afterwards because of something you allegedly did wrong at said BBQ.
The contrast is extreme and is really fucks with your head – because you’re seeing both versions while everyone else sees one, and the one you’re in love with is the one everyone else gets to see.
YOU START LOOKING LIKE THE PROBLEM
Over time, the more abuse you endure, the more withdrawn and isolated you become. 😶🌫️
You change – stop laughing as much, stop socialising, become anxious, maybe you get diagnosed with anxiety or depression, you’re hypervigilant and treading on eggshells, totally exhausted and emotional and cry more easily. 😭
You’re cranky, react instead of respond and lose confidence in yourself – while they’re still walking around like the life and soul of the party.
So it MUST be you – right?
And when you finally try to tell someone what’s happening, who looks more believable then?
Not you. 🥺
YOU don’t even really believe you anymore, and have totally lost trust in your thoughts, feelings and decisions.
The charming one, the one everyone likes, the one who’s spent years carefully crafting their public image – they’re the ones that suck people in.
THE ABUSE IS DESIGNED TO MAKE YOU LOOK CRAZY
The perpetrator creates a situation where your reaction to the abuse becomes the focus of other people’s attention – they push and push and push until you finally snap after months or years of being criticised, manipulated, controlled and invalidated.
When you lose your shit, they get to say things like; “see? I told you she’s fucked in the head; she’s unstable; she’s always emotional; she’s impossible to talk to…”
Suddenly all people are talking about is your reaction – not what’s behind it.
One of the oldest tricks in the book – “don’t look over here – look over there!” 👉🏼
THEY PLANT SEEDS BEFORE YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING 🌱
You only clock on ages after the smear campaign against you starts casually, with your abuser telling people about how you’ve not been yourself, you’ve been struggling with stress, you’ve been a bit emotional, how sensitive you are and how you take things the wrong way, you’ve got trust issues and blah blah blah….
They’re sprinkling breadcrumbs everywhere that are making you out to be unstable.
Before you ever get to speak up, people already have a version of you in their heads that isn’t the real you.
WHY VICTIMS GO QUIET 🤐
People wonder why you didn’t tell anyone what you were going through – but it’s because you’ve stopped trusting your own voice after years of being told you’re wrong, crazy, selfish and difficult.
So you shrink yourself and get quiet, thinking you’re keeping the peace.
You shut down, dissociate from your feelings, isolate from your friends and family and just start getting through each day instead of actually living.
From the outside, it looks like you’ve changed – because you have. You’re dragging around the enormous weight of a relationship that nobody else can see.
YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS
If you’re in this situation right now, please know that just because people around you seem to love your partner it doesn’t mean they’re treating you well or that you’re the one in the wrong.
The fact nobody else sees it doesn’t mean it’s not happening. And the fact you’ve become anxious, emotional, reactive or withdrawn doesn’t mean you’re losing your marbles – it means you’re showing symptoms of being systematically undermined and pulled apart for a really long time.
Healthy relationships make you feel MORE like yourself, not less. They bring out your true, authentic self and they love you for who you are. Your nervous system feels safe around them. 🥰
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
How would you feel if your daughter, sister, best mate or someone you love came to you to tell you everything that happens to them behind closed doors?
Would you be open to listening to them? Tell them they deserve better? Or tell them they’re overreacting and need to work harder on their relationship?
Sometimes it’s easier to spot the truth when it’s happening to someone else.
Maybe you should start giving the same compassion to yourself.
You’re not reacting abnormally – you’re responding normally to an abnormal situation.
If you’re reading this and need someone to chat to, I’m here.
If you’re unsure if your relationship is healthy or abusive, download my free checklist “10 Signs Your Relationship is ACTUALLY Toxic” – check the link in my bio for this freebie and a few others, as well as ways to work with me.
Sending you so much love,
