When I met Hot Fiance at age 38, I remember telling my mum about him and the first thing she said was “I hope he isn’t another project”. 🙄
As much as I pretended to be offended, she was so right about my past.
The old Carly, the one who had shitty boundaries, needed external validation, had low self-worth and attracted men who never saw me as their equal, spent years in relationships where I became the “bank,” carer, supporter, fixer, rescuer and enabler. 🥴
Ever heard of high-functioning co-dependence? Yep, that was me.
Strong, independent (I thought), intelligent, capable.
But I also attracted relationships where I needed to be needed to feel valued.
When I realised this recurring pattern and dug deep to figure out where it originated, I found that at the root was a core wound of abandonment, leading to low self-esteem, which in turn led to a need for external validation. ❤️🩹
Until I healed this wound and focused on increasing my self-worth, I kept attracting the same guy in different outfits.
Continuing this pattern carried a huge cost: it drained me emotionally, financially, and psychologically; it socially isolated me from loved ones, sometimes sent me into a shame spiral, and caused immense guilt and pain.
I neglected my own needs to be there for others who were using me.
I burnt out, became a shell of myself, lost my identity, and constantly felt responsible for other people’s happiness. 🐚
This is the opposite of what a healthy relationship means – one where you’re genuinely valued for who you are, not what you can be used for.
Healthy relationships involve two people mutually caring for each other, not one person lugging the load of everyone’s problems.
Being needed can make you feel important. But being needed isn’t the same as being valued.
And I know I’m not alone in having experienced this pattern. As one of my Project Self Worth participants shared…
“For a long time I was a giver to takers and thought this was normal but neglected myself and wasn’t receiving what I should have been receiving.”
– Maya, Project Self Worth member
Learning how to love myself helped me recognise that I didn’t need to earn love from others by constantly giving to them and draining myself.
You don’t have to be someone’s bank, therapist, carer, rescuer or emotional support system to be worthy of love.
You are worthy of love just for being YOU. 😍
Are you choosing relationships where you’re loved for who you are, or for what you can provide?
Something to think about.
If you’re recognising some of these patterns in your own relationships, my FREE guide, 10 Signs Your Relationship Is Actually Toxic, is a great place to start exploring what healthy and unhealthy relationship dynamics look like.
Comment/reply TOXIC and I’ll send it to you (or you can find it in the link in my bio).
And remember, you can be a loving, caring, compassionate person without sacrificing yourself.
Much love,
