My first properly serious relationship was a biggie that affected me for a very long time afterwards.
We got together when I was 17; we’d worked together at a gym for a few years by then.
I was pretty young and naive and totally in love. 😍
I’d hear my mates bang on about how untrustworthy guys were, and I’d be all “not my man, I totally trust him, he’s a terrible liar so I’d know if he was lying too”!
Ummm… whatever babes. 🥹
Fast forward four years, and I found myself sat in front of my computer, shaking, which I had been for the last hour.
Plucking up the courage to do what I knew I had to do to get the answers I needed.
But logging into his emails went against all my morals – snooping is not my usual style. 🧐
We’d both always known the passwords to each others emails but this was the first time I’d ever logged into his.
Why was I doing this?
Well, after years of gaslighting, sneaking around and cheating on me (later on, his mate told me he’d cheated all the way through), I needed to confirm what my gut feeling had been telling me for ages.
I’d given him plenty of opportunities to come clean with me – asked straight out questions, which he would always turn back around on me, so I’d feel like I was just being paranoid and there was nothing in it. 🙄
By the way – the whole jealous partner accusing their partner of cheating is not my style – I’m a very trusting person until that trust is broken.
Eventually, I really did feel like I was going cray-cray. 🦞
If I saw a woman who looked like her (the person he claimed to be “working” for), I’d do a double-take to see if was her.
If I saw a car that looked like his, I’d check out the number plate. 🚘
I lost sleep and really disliked the person I was becoming.
So, after years of this, I decided to do what I’d never normally do so I could try and find some answers.
And cor blimey guv, did I find some answers! 🫣
Lewd emails to the sister of the woman he was “working” with about how said woman was getting her boobs done and how he couldn’t wait to be the first to cop a feel.
By the way, this woman was 54 at the time, and he was 27. She was married, and her kids are older than him.
Once I was in his emails I made a bloody good dent in reading through the pretty graphic emails – I’m no prude, but they definitely shocked me. 😮
It was the evidence I needed to call it quits – because when I’m committed to someone, I don’t leave easily.
I packed up his stuff and called him to come over and get them.
He put up zero fight for our four-year relationship, he just denied cheating at all.
The most admission I ever got was “yes I did it, is that what you want to hear?” which is just a cowardly cop out, IMO.
That was 23 years ago now, and they’re still together.. So, I guess I wasn’t crazy after all 🙂
My point with this story is to TRUST YOUR GUT.
My gut was SCREAMING at me for months/years that something was very wrong, but each time I tried to talk it through with him he’d gaslight me more.
So do I regret going against my own morals and logging into his emails? 💻
Fck no.
It gave me the courage I needed to call it quits.
The healing I needed to do after that relationship also got me into a journey of self-discovery and healing tools that became my life’s work. 🤗
Like Vinnie Jones said in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels; “it’s been emotional”…
TAKEAWAYS
Gaslighting makes you question your sanity – when you start thinking “am I crazy?”every second day, that’s your red flag waving furiously in the wind.
Trust isn’t blind – it’s earned, not assumed. Someone who constantly makes you feel paranoid isn’t trustworthy, they’re manipulative.
Your gut is wiser than your head – our bodies scream before our brains catch up. Anxiety, insomnia, checking cars/people… that’s your nervous system ringing alarm bells.
Evidence isn’t always for them – it’s for YOU – sometimes we need that undeniable proof to give ourselves permission to walk away.
Cheaters will always minimise – “is that what you want to hear?” = textbook coward’s response. Don’t wait for their confession, back yourself instead.
Your pain can become your purpose – that heartbreak cracked me open to find the tools that became my life’s work.
How can you turn your own pain into your purpose?
As always, if you want a guide on your journey, drop me a message and let’s chat about how coaching and/or energy work can help.
Catcha on the flip side,
