It rarely starts with a big moment. 🤷🏼♀️
No dramatic fight.
No obvious dealbreaker.
No clear reason you can point to and say, “This is wrong.” 🤔
As a relationship coach and trauma-informed practitioner who has spent over 20 years working with women in unhealthy dynamics and perpetrators of family violence as a Parole Officer (and having lived it myself in many past relationships) I see this quiet questioning stage all the time.
This means awareness is starting to return.
It starts quietly. 🤫
In the car. 🚘
In the shower. 🚿
Lying in bed next to someone who’s meant to feel like home… but doesn’t feel safe to be around. 🥺
You begin asking questions you don’t say out loud.
Why do I feel tense around them?
Why do I rehearse what I’m going to say?
Why do I feel relief when they’re not here?
And just as quickly, you shut those thoughts down.
You tell yourself you’re overthinking. 🤯
That every relationship is hard.
That you’re just tired, sensitive, or asking for too much.
So you keep going.
BUT YOUR QUIET DOUBT IS A SIGN THAT SOMETHING’S UP.
Many women assume that if a relationship is unhealthy, they’ll know.
That it will be obvious, like a big fucking neon sign. 🆘
That there will be chaos, anger, or constant conflict.
But often, it’s much subtler than that.
You don’t feel unsafe enough to leave, but you don’t feel safe enough to relax either.
You feel smaller, like less of yourself.
More unsure.
More disconnected from yourself than you used to be.
And instead of questioning the dynamic, you start questioning you.
Was it really that bad?
Maybe I misunderstood.
Other people have it worse, at least he doesn’t hit me. 🤛🏼
Slowly, your inner voice gets quieter. 🤐
YOU REALISE YOU’RE CARRYING MORE OF THE WEIGHT THAN YOU SHOULD.
Another sign shows up in how much emotional labour you’re doing.
Managing their moods. 🥺
Choosing your words carefully.
Smoothing things over. All. The. Time.
Explaining yourself again and again (with no resolution).
Not because you’re weak, but because you care, and you hope it’ll make a difference.
And because at some point, keeping the peace felt safer than being honest.
This doesn’t mean you’re about to leave. 🧳
It doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
And it doesn’t mean you’re being dramatic.
It means you’re gaining insight.
YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS YET. 💡
You don’t need to label your relationship.
You don’t need to confront anyone.
You don’t need to make a decision today.
You’re allowed to simply notice. To listen to your body. To trust that confusion is information.
To explore what you’re feeling without rushing yourself.
Clarity comes from allowing yourself to ask better questions. 🤔
And if you’re quietly questioning right now, that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.
It means something inside you is paying attention.
A GENTLE NEXT STEP
If you want a calm, private way to reflect, without pressure or judgement, I’ve created a free checklist that can help you make sense of what you’re noticing.
👉 Download: 10 Signs Your Relationship Is Actually Toxic
Link in bio. 🔗
It’s an education tool, it’s not about telling you what to do.
You can read it slowly, come back to it later, and take only what resonates.
Share it with a friend who needs it.
As always, if you want a guide on your journey, drop me a message and let’s chat about how coaching and/or energy work can help.
Catcha on the flip side,
