There’s a quiet trap many emotionally intelligent, empathetic people fall into – and I’ve been there in most of my past relationships too.
You’re not in love with how they’re showing up right now.
You’re in love with who you know they could be. 🤔
You see their depth (you think), their wounds, the backstory that created those wounds, the insight they almost have.
You can picture the future version of them so clearly it feels irresponsible not to wait for it, because you just know you’d be able to have such an incredible relationship. 😍
So you stay.
You tell yourself things like:
“They’re trying”
“They’ve had a hard life”
“They’re not always like this”
“If they healed, this would be amazing” 🫶🏻
And maybe all of that is true.
But the thing is… you’re not in a relationship with someone’s potential; you’re in a relationship with their current behaviour.
And you need to stop confusing one for the other.
What if they never actually reach their potential? What if they’re not even bothered about changing?
What if you knew they would never change; they’ll always be this way – would you stay then?
When you date someone’s potential, you explain away behaviour that hurts you. You adapt your needs….
Sometimes so that you pretend you don’t have any. You wait for insight to turn into action. 🥺
You fall in love with moments instead of the day to day reality.
Matthew Hussey, a relationship coach (highly recommend following him if you don’t already) talks about relationships being about the trash cans, not the holiday moments; as in, how your partner acts in the boring, mundane day-to-day of life with you; not just when you’re away on holiday or out on a romantic date.
Your current day-to-day reality might look like inconsistency, emotional distance, defensiveness when you speak up, apologies without follow-through and change that never quite sticks.
But when you’re focused on who they could be, you override what’s actually happening.
Not because you’re naïve; because you’re empathetic. You understand trauma. You’ve learned to see the good in people.
And somewhere along the way, you confused that strength with responsibility; you take on the responsibility of their emotions and their happiness while completely abandoning yourself.
So you wait longer than you should.
You give more chances than you’d recommend to anyone else.
And slowly, without realising it, you become a shell of yourself. 🐚
Someone can genuinely have the capacity to be different, and still choose not to be.
And that choice matters. It’s their life, their choice; and your choice will need to be whether you’re ok to live that life with them or not.
Ask yourself:
“If nothing changed from here… would this still be enough for me?”
It’s time to be honest with yourself.
If you need a chat about your current situation, drop me a message.
I’ve been where you’re at right now, I know how fucking hard it is, and I also know they way out to a happy future.
Much love,
