I’ve had a few conversations over the last few months with coaching and energy work clients talking about their relationships where, when they’ve described their behaviour, thoughts and feelings towards the other person and the reactions of their love interest, I’ve been blunt with them and let them know that actually, THEY are being the red flag in those instances.
Funnily enough, a few of these convos have been with the OG members of my Project Self Worth program – ladies who started last year who have spent the last year learning about unhealthy relationships, toxic dynamics, how to increase their sense of self-love and self-worth and how to figure out their needs, values, priorities and communicate those to a partner.
It’s become clear who’s actually been doing the work and who hasn’t. 😂
When people-pleaser types start learning boundaries, sometimes what can happen is that they start implementing boundaries in an aggressive or passive-aggressive way instead of asserting what they actually want. 🤷🏼♀️
But they’re also still fighting with that people-pleasing part of themselves and feeling guilty, second-guessing everything they say and do, and start feeling all over the shop.
This is normal – healing is messy! 🥴
You’ve got to give yourself grace, because you’re unwinding a lifetime of conditioning and re-learning new ways of being, thinking and feeling.
Rome wasn’t built in a day as they say!
So, back to the red flags. 🚩
One of my clients told me about a guy she’d met that she liked and spent some time with.
She’d initially told him that she wasn’t at all interested in anything serious, and was just out to have fun. 🤩
But when she told me about how they’d communicated for the next few weeks, all I saw was mixed messages – from her!
I told her that she SAID she wanted X to him, but other stuff she’d said to me indicated she wanted the opposite, and that the fact that she was bummed about how he’d responded to her really wasn’t fair on him at all because he wasn’t being an arsehole, he was simply giving her what she’d said she’d wanted.
Ultimately, she wasn’t being honest with him (or herself) about actually really liking this guy and so she made a show out of pretending she was just up for having a good time, then being gutted when he didn’t show continued interest in her. 🙄
She accepted responsibility for her part in this and realised she was totally invested in doing the work in my Project Self Worth program when she signed up in 2025, and decided to go back over the coursework and do a deep dive.
Being the red flag doesn’t make you a bad person, but refusing to acknowledge or accept it keeps you being the red flag instead of turning into a yellow flag – when there’s a problem there, but you’re willing to own it and change the behaviour.
You can only change what you take ownership of (highly recommend reading the book “Extreme Ownership” by ex US Navy SEAL Jocko Willinck for more on that). 📖
In unhealthy relationships it’s not always down to one villain and one victim – sometimes both people are contributing to the fuckery in the relationship.
Lately, a few of my clients have had that “oh shit, it’s me” moment when talking things through with me – and generally because they’ve been acting out of pain, fear and past trauma loops. ➰
Stay tuned as next time I’ll share some examples of what some more red flags can look like from those clients who’ve been wounded in past relationships and are now bringing their baggage into the next one.
If this hit a little too close to home, I have some freebies for you:
📋 Grab my “10 Signs Your Relationship is ACTUALLY Toxic” checklist: it’ll help you figure out what’s actually going on vs what you’re telling yourself;
💻 Or watch my Break The Cycle webinar replay: this is exactly the kind of pattern we break inside Project Self Worth.
Check my bio for the link for both freebies.
Because the goal isn’t to blame yourself…it’s to become the version of you who would never put up with (or create) this dynamic again.
Catcha on the flip side,
